In the Light of the Dawn

Below is something I wrote back in the late Summer and posted on my blog. Reading over it lately, I noticed how real these words still are in my life and my hope for the future. It puts into perspective what 2008 presented me and what hopes I have for the new year and the days ahead…

Have you ever just felt dead. When the whole world is spinning and everything seems to be moving in sync with it while you feel lifeless and out-of-sync with it all. Well, that basically sums up these past few months for me.

Over a span of three months, a time that felt like an eternity yet flowed quickly before my eyes, I discovered hidden demons inside of me and have fought what appeared to be my foundations. What started as a supposed time of mediation and self discovery took a sharp turn and became a war between me and myself disguised in cloaks of this world. Looking back over the years, this has been a long time coming. I can’t really pinpoint when, but I remember certain changed in my life that took me from a safe and secure environment and slowly corroded those walls until I stood bare in a world around me that was strange and frightening.

As I started my trek of returning back to my “comfort zone”, I began to drift farther away from God’s will for my life and into what I wanted for my life. Growing up I have learned that to be alive, we must surrender all; that in God we are made whole and more ourselves than we could on our own. I have tried at least every excuse I could to think different. That philosophy didn’t go well with my questions and opinions. While trying to discover my faith, what I ended up doing was trying to tweak it to what suits me and my “comfort zone”. Keep in mind this was all going on while in college and trying to plan and figure out my future.

As time moved on, I started to feel dead. Lack of purpose and meaning for anything began to build a new beast in the deepest, darkest parts of my heart; rage. This rage, though it scared the crap out of me, I found a slight comfort in it because it was an instantaneous response and solution to many circumstance; lets just blame someone else. Trying to keep this to myself and let people see me as the way I felt they wanted to see me as, I would feel like just a shadow in this world; always in the way and wandering aimlessly trying to impress people and get them to seem me as I am without breaking the mold. But, as you slowly crawl into a world of confusion and stand near insanity, there comes a time where you can’t hold it any more and beg someone to save you from it…thank you Jesus!!

By the will of God, I have discovered purpose. By the love of God and the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ, I have found the will and power to truly love like they do. By taking my plans, ideas, opinions and tearing them to shreds and throwing them out the window, I have discovered that there are bigger and brighter things than what this world has to offer. In the comfort of my own “comfort zone” I am safe, but in the mysterious world beyond these walls, I am alive & I am me. I am me under the grace of God and no one can change that.

There were times where I felt like when I was crying out to God that I was basically just calling out to myself and my “idols” in this world for comfort and guidance and I knew that. There are sometimes when I feel that he does hear me, but it’s like he is telling me that I’m not done. I still have much to learn. And I know I do. I have tremendous faith in my God. I know that sometimes I may not have the best representation of it, but at the end of the day, He has been the one who gave me life. Each morning I wake up is another blessing from him so that I may learn and grow as a servant, lover, and devoted follower. And when it is all said and done, All I wish is to hear him tell me is “Well done, good and faithful one.”

As I have just read…

“GOD’S message to the family of Israel:

‘Seek me and live. Don’t fool around at those shrines of Bethel. Don’t waste time taking trips to Gilgal, and don’t bother going down to Beer-sheba. Gilgal is here today and gone tomorrow and Bethel is all show, no substance.

‘So seek GOD and live! You don’t want to end up with nothing to show for your life but a pile of ashes, a house burned to the ground. For GOD will send just such a fire, and the firefighters will show up too late.’ “

-Amos 5:4-6 (The Message)

The things of this world are temporary and short, but GOD and his power are eternal. We must seek it before it is too late, because one day the final curtain will be drawn and it will be too late.

“In life or death, God we belong to you!”- Yours (New Verse), by Steven Curtis Chapman. (part of a verse written after the tragic passing of his 5 year old adopted daughter from China this past May. Visit his website to learn more).

Tonight is a new beginning. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new adventure. I will still have my troubles, sorrows, and doubts, but by the wonderful, incredible grace of God (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I have a desire for this world. And I will be journeying through it as…me.